Astrology, Anxiety, and Anticipation (oh my!)

I subscribe to an astrology blog that I read every day.  I’m not really into the brand of astrology that says “Leo’s should avoid the water today”, but I love this guy’s take – his name is Michael Lennox, and he calls his work “consciousness astrology”.  Basically, it’s about the archetypal energies of the planets, and their dance across our sky, and takes the (very tantric) stance that their dance and our dance are reflecting each other.

Being a night owl, I generally read the email when it hits my inbox around midnight, describing the next day.  Last night, I read about one of the transits happening today – a trine (which is a harmonious, productive energy) between Saturn and Chiron.  It’s the fifth one of five that have happened since the fall of 2012.  Basically, over the past 2 years, Saturn (who represents the archetype of Teacher) and Chiron (the Healer) have been working hard, meeting up, comparing notes, and giving each other high fives…all to effect healing and transformation in the arena of how we manifest our lives.  And today, their last time meeting up in this particular cycle, is accented by the fact that Venus (the Heart) is square between the two nodes – the points that represent past and future.

The reason I’m telling you all of this is that in his writing about today, Michael said that this was a moment of clarity – that with our Hearts centered between past and future while the Teacher and the Healer are having a final celebration of the work they’ve been doing together these past two years (and maybe putting the finishing touches on it), we’re able to clearly see the transformation that has taken place.

So I woke up this morning wondering what I would see.

And it’s been a very interesting day.

On the surface, a normal day full of normal frustrations and anxieties: I needed to go grocery shopping, work, make phone calls, and be around for the car donation people who were supposed to come pick up my old, broken car.  Normal.  Ordinary.  And, for no apparent reason, it was very difficult.

I found myself anxious; struggling to leave the house to get to the grocery store, struggling to answer the phone when it rang; to pick it up and dial it when I needed to make cars.  Every move I made at work I was worried I was messing up – I kept triple checking my work.  And then the car people didn’t show up.  And my anxiety went through the roof.

Laying on the sofa, shaking, sweating, and having trouble breathing, I realized this felt like the onset of a panic attack – which I used to have regularly, but haven’t had to deal with for a long time.  I popped some Rescue Remedy into my mouth and started counting; timing my breaths to the numbers to slow them down.  In…two…three…four; out…two…three…four…

As I started to calm down, I began to wonder what on earth was going on.  Being paralyzed by fear is such an old way of life for me; it’s so not how I inhabit my days anymore.  And that’s when I realized: this is one of the huge things that has changed for me over the past two years of Saturn and Chiron’s dance.  This feeling that I’ve been in all day; the hum of anxiety that’s in the background even now, as I type this, used to be all I felt, all the time.  And now it isn’t.

And that’s miraculous.

That bit of consciousness was all I needed to move through my stuck place.  “Remember, Sana,” I told myself, “you aren’t a slave to fear anymore.”  And so I took a deep breath, picked up my phone, and started making the calls I needed to make.  And by the end of it, I felt more proud than afraid.

Two years ago, the kind of anxiety I felt today would’ve had me in bed, unable to leave my apartment or answer the phone, possibly for days or even weeks.  Today I was stuck for all of an hour.  I made it to the grocery store.  I got a good amount of work done, and will do more later.  I made all the phone calls I needed to make.  And every moment, the anxiety is less.  Soon, that fluttery feeling in my chest – once so familiar – will have settled back down into my now-familiar peace.  Wow.

So, Michael Lennox was right (I find he generally is).  Today was a good day to see clearly how I’ve changed.  But what I’m realizing now is that there’s another side to see – the Heart is between the past and the future today.  And I’ve had a look at the past, and remembered what it was like to live crippled by fear, and to celebrate how that’s no longer true.  And now, I’m facing ahead again.

If two years was enough to get me from a life of terror, paralysis, and panic attacks to a life where I can face down that anxiety and still accomplish what I need to…what might the next two years bring?  It’s a mystery, and one I am content to discover as it unfolds.  But from this place, of seeing how the journey has unfolded up until now, I am nothing but excited about whatever transformation is next to come.

The anticipation is delicious.  So delicious, in fact, that I’m going to spend some time with it later, dreaming some dreams and setting some intentions based on what feels clear in my heart today about where I long to grow.

How about you?  Any evidence of change in your life over the past two years show up for you today?  Any delicious intentions for the future becoming clear in your heart?  I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!

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